Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
