I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
