We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
