I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
