am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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