in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
