I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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