During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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