Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
