Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
