i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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