bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
