I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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