Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
