my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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