When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
