How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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