Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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