I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
