we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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