My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
