Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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