i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
