i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
