I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
