Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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