So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
