true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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