I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
