Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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