So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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