I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
