nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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