I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
