Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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