I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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