This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
