Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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