my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Randomize
