Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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