i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
