i permit you to call me
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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