If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
sex in a hospital.. check
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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