There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
