Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
