fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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