then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
