So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
