Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
