our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
