She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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