He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
