my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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