I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
