you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize