Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
