I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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