somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
