just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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