I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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