i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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