The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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