stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
my liver is dry heaving
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
