im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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