Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
